Sunday, August 06, 2006

War Against Weeds

As I wrote about a month ago, I've had some problems with the postage stamp of dirt that I sometimes call a lawn. I spent a bunch of time weeding it all out. I assumed that after removing all competition, the grass would take the opportunity to solidify it's hold on the yard. But no, evidently I have heretofore unheard of species of Surrender Grass. Pretty much any weed seems to be able to push that grass around like it's a scrawny eight year old.

Within a week the weeds were back. Within two weeks they were stronger than before I had weeded them. By week three the grass had rolled over like a whipped puppy, and I figured I should intervene again. So I got a product called "Weed and Feed", which is supposed to feed the lawn while killing the weeds.

Perhaps I have mutant strains of weeds. Maybe the stars are against me. Perhaps a tragic mistake at the factory led to me buying a bag of "Feed the Weeds". Whatever the cause, my lawn has completely given up. The closest thing to grass is the crabgrass, and even that isn't doing all that well. Any day now I expect

Given that the weedkiller has proven ineffective, I've started to daydream about some more drastic measures. For instance, paving over the front lawn. Perhaps buying some surplus Agent Orange and covering the lawn to a depth of six inches. But what I really think I need is something more. More effective, more drastic, more final. I think I need a dirty bomb. If it's good enough for the terrorists, it's good enough for my lawn!

Then again, I'd probably just end up with a giant anthropomorphic vegetable to growing in the front lawn and eating small dogs.

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