Today on Beaker’s Brain our special is a selection of random encounters each of which resulted in me learning something totally useless.
Let me guess, PCP?
One Sunday morning as I was pulling weeds in the front garden, two men walked by on the sidewalk. I caught only a bit of the their conversation as they walked by. It went something like…
… I was so drunk and so high, that I bit through the leather and bit into my arm. They said I pulled out all my IVs too…
It sounds like a fun night, I’m sorry I missed it.
On the short trip from house to car I passed a guy on the sidewalk. He stopped me and shook hands, so he could inform me that he was going golfing later. Ummm.. good for you? He asked if I golf (I don’t) and then walked away. He didn’t look like the golfing sort, but who am I to judge?
Since most of my ridiculous encounters occur on sidewalks I never expected one in the freezer aisle at Whole Foods. As I searched for the least expensive frozen dinners another shopper asked “Do you want to know what’s some great bread?” I’ve learned from all my past encounters, so I actually said “No” and didn’t slow down. Undeterred, he blocked my path with a freezer door and retrieved a frozen loaf of gluten-free wheat-free organic blueberry bread (at Whole Foods everything has more adjectives). Having turned me into a captive audience he gushed his praise for the baked good. (Parentheticals are my thoughts – I couldn’t find an opening to actually say anything.)
This is just the best stuff, way better than that fluff in the bakery. This is real bread! (Funny, I thought sourdough was real bread. Whatever.) Two pieces is a meal. It’s real heavy, this little loaf is a pound and a half. (So it’s the same density as granite. Scrumptious, give me two. Wait, don’t, I can’t carry that much weight. ) It’s made with rice you know. (Is that how they made it without wheat? Fascinating. Yawn.)
At that point he flipped it over and started reading me the ingredients list. This guy must be great at a party. Halfway through the list I got desperate enough to push past him and walk away. I think he snared another shopper, but I was afraid to look back in case he made eye contact. Sorry other shopper, it’s every man for himself at Whole Foods.