Wednesday, September 20, 2006

HR Unhappy Board - Unhappy No More

Over the last couple of months a sort of tradition has developed at work. It started innocently - one of my coworkers has no internal filter on what he says, so every now and then he says something that hilarious in a purely juvenile sense. After a few bits of this unintentional had collected, I wrote them on my whiteboard.

Over the course of a few weeks, people would occasionally see the board and get a chuckle out of it. Then a few days later, they'd come back with something to add. In recent weeks there have been new things added to the board on a daily basis. Somewhere along the line it was dubbed the "HR Unhappy Board" because if we actually had an HR department they would doubtless have been driven to fits by the board.

Then, the inevitable happened - management saw it. First, management laughed and walked away. Five minutes later, management came back and decreed that it be removed, because it was "a lawsuit waiting to happen". Now, normally I'm one to complain about this sort of thing, but in this case I have to admit management was right on. By this point the board was potentially offensive on the basis of race, religion, sexual orientation and possibly pedophilia. Probably not a good thing to put up in the workplace.

But this, dear friends, is the internet. And I think we all know that the internet is EXACTLY where that sort of thing belongs. So what else could I do but post a giant picture of the HR Unhappy Board, along with a full transcription of everything on it? Names have been abbreviated to protect the so-very-very-guilty, but otherwise it's all there baby.

In order to properly appreciate this board, you must realize that every single quote here was uttered off the cuff, at work, by a male member of the staff, and that we're all incredibly immature and amused by things like this. So just stick with me.

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Quotes from the board (in very rough chronological order):
"Hey [W], come play with my thing and tell me if it's gay" - D

"We need sex and I think this guy can give it to us." - D

"I haven't eaten dick all day!" - D

"Maybe my little tool is not quite there." - D

(In reference to Jesus)
"I don't care who killed him, I'm just glad he's dead." - B
"Eh, he'd be dead by now anyway." - T

"We need that picture of me next to the little boy." - D

"Let's hold her down and dick around for a while." - T

"You can bang on my thing now." - T

"Just don't want to blow the load." - T

"Hawaii is different from a tomato." - W

"Hey [N], do you want to bang my box dude?" - D2

"That short little brown chick's gonna screw up my day." - N

"You eat mine and I'll eat yours." - T

"I want one of those big balls to sit on." - D

"We should extend the backend stripper." - T

"You feel my urge." - G

"Feel's good to [G]" - R

(In reference to the demise of the HR Unhappy Board)
"I thought it was inevitable and gay, all at the same time." - D

Oh, and the final irony is that I know my feed is on the internal distribution server. So now this post and all the board's glory will be delivered to the email of nearly everyone in the company, as well as permanently saved in the archives.

PS, since I know eventually in the fullness of time some random person will surf in off the internet and read this -- IT'S A FREAKIN' JOKE. Don't get offended, it's all in good fun between friends. If you're offended by this, I don't really care. Go away and don't bug me. Thanks.

PPS, the picture is really big. If you want the fill size one, click away...


Nicki0731 said...

For someone with a 10 year reunion coming up, the humor has not changed much! Ready the anal probe - Commence anal probing....
(ps - a bit harsh on Jesus, but that doesn't mean I didn't laugh)

BeaKeR said...

You know everyone says that about the Jesus quote, but I think it's actually a very Christian thing to say.

So keeping in mind that I'm not actually religious, and have only a passing familiarity with the bible, here's my argument.

Jesus died for our sins, right? Forgiveness and all that? That sounds like a good thing. And if Jesus hadn't died, there'd be no forgiveness, and God only knows where we'd be now. So really, Jesus dying is a good thing, so being dead must be a good thing too. So shouldn't we be glad he's dead?

nicki0731 said...

Identifying your quotes with something that is very Christian? Well then I guess some things HAVE changed...
I think Jesus dying (as in for our sins and salvation) is important to the Christians, but I'm pretty sure they are hung up on who killed him.

BeaKeR said...

They're "hung up" on who killed him? Now who's making insensitive jokes?

Nicki0731 said...

Glad my jokes are not lost on you.
My workplace is not accommodating to my humor, I gotta vent somehow.